


Time's Winged Chariot

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-18
Updated: 2006-03-18
Packaged: 2018-08-16 06:25:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8091058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Is it too late for Archer to change his mind before time runs out? (09/06/2003)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: I'm no poet the little bits of poetry came from Andrew Marvell (1621-1678) it's called "To His Coy Mistress". And the one at the funeral is written by Shakespeare and is called "Sonnet 17"  


* * *

> But at my back I always hear  
> Time's winged chariot hurrying near:  
> And yonder all before us lie  
> Deserts of vast eternity  
> Thy beauty shall no more be found...  
> The grave's a fine and private place  
> But none, I think do there embrace
> 
> —Andrew Marvell, "To His Coy Mistress"

Archer sat tapping his foot against the leg of his chair, a large mug of coffee in his hands he looked at the door every few seconds and the chronometer on his desk every few minutes. It wasn't like Malcolm to be late, what had happened to him? He fought the urge to call the armoury to ask what lieutenant Malcolm Reed was doing and why he was still on duty.

The door opened and he smiled, he'd given Malcolm his personal access code so he wouldn't have to stand around outside waiting for Jon to open the door where anyone could see him.

"Coffee Jon?"

Archer felt his toes curl and his stomach knotted in a tight ball at the sound of Malcolm's voice and that seductive British accent. He resisted the urge to jump up and kiss him something he'd wanted to do all day. "Want some?"

"Mmm yes please" It was unusual for Jon to drink coffee at this time of day, he preferred it in the morning. Now he was off duty he usually preferred a beer. Crewman Knight had recently bottled a batch of home-made beer that wasn't too bad and many of the crew had being offered some. Malcolm being not too fond of beer himself had given his to Archer whom naturally being the captain, the crew had felt it inappropriate to offer him a few bottles.

Archer missed most of the social activities the crew embarked upon as captain he had to mentain impartiality, he couldn't afford to socialise and become too familiar with the crew. To that rule Archer had until recently but one exception Charles "Trip" Tucker III, his long term friend and fellow officer.

Trying to pinpoint when exactly he realised he had feelings for Malcolm was difficult, he supposed it had being the first day he'd met him when Enterprise was still in docking bay. He'd placed the attraction to the accent and had convinced himself that once he got to know the armoury officer the attraction would soon fade, at any rate it was unlikely his feelings would develop into anything more and a relationship was out of the question.

When faced with a problem his mind became rational the bigger the problem the more efficient he became. His attraction to Malcolm was a potential problem, and his mind sorted out reasons why it couldn't happen. About a month into Enterprises maiden voyage Archer revaluated once again that theory.

After having met the officer his admiration had grown for him, his dedication to his work and his bravery in all situations was know throughout the ship. He now clung to the fact that he could not and would not have a relationship on board Enterprise, not with one of his officers, not with any member of the crew, that and the likelihood that Malcolm was gay was slim at best.

The only problem he had was that even though he knew what to do, sometimes when he didn't consider something that much of a problem he went against his rational mind. That's when he faced moral dilemma's he naturally didn't believe in hurting people, and he wanting something even though it went against 'logic' was a hard decision to make.

When the lift had broken down with him and Malcolm the only ones in it, Archer had decided it was best to keep his cool with every breath he could smell Malcolm he was sure he could taste him in the air. It would take a team from engineering about an hour to arrive, seeing as every engineer on board was busy running a routine ship wide diagnostic.

Archer decided he couldn't trust himself in a lift with Malcolm that long, he was slightly claustrophobic and knew that after a while that made him lose himself and do crazy things as the claustrophobia got worse.

Summoning what little he could remember of his engineering skills -it'd been a while since he was near anything technical- He'd set about trying to locate the problem.

Malcolm was leaning over him holding some wires out of the way when Archer had stepped back without warning bumping to Malcolm. Archer remembered the deep breath he'd taken to steady himself as he'd brushed past the firm solid shape. He'd turned around to find Malcolm red with embarrassment looking away from the captain Jon looked down briefly at the creases around the hips of Malcolm's uniform. Grateful that he was looking away and hadn't noticed Jon's own aroused state he'd cleared his throat.

"Sorry Captain"

Jon found himself becoming more aroused at the sound of his voice, maybe it was the claustrophobia setting in, maybe it was the smell of Malcolm, maybe it was the joy he felt besides his more rational mind at knowing Malcolm felt the same. To this day he hadn't quite worked out what had made him say those words.

"What for? The feeling's mutual"

Archer bought himself back down the present, all that mattered was that he was here now with Malcolm and he was happy. He smiled at himself pouring a cup of coffee for Malcolm.

"Oh shame, you were referring to the coffee. Sir." He let the sir drawl out deeper than the other words.

Archer felt the hairs rise at the back of his neck he moved quickly pushing Reed unto the large sofa in the middle of the room. He lay on top of him staring into his deep grey-blue eyes for a while before bringing his head down in a long, deep, hard kiss quenching his thirst for his lover.

Whilst on the bridge he'd found his thoughts wondering to Malcolm several times he'd had to shake himself to remind himself where he was, as thoughts flooded into his head of Malcolm. He was sure T'pol had noticed his unusual behaviour she had a meticulous eye for detail which none of the other Bridge crew had. Several times he'd found himself staring at the reflection of the lieutenant on a screen, and twice Reed had made sure he gently brushed past Archer whilst he walked about to another station or out of the bridge to continue the rest of his shift in the armoury.

They seemed like casual touches but he was sure T'pol would notice if they continued even if no one else did. He broke the kiss. "We have to be more careful" His hands were still stroking the side of Reed's face.

"We are careful"

"Not careful enough, today on the bridge I couldn't stop thinking about you" He brushed a finger against Reed's lips. "I know T'pol noticed how I was acting. You brushing by me, she'll put two and two together Mal"

"I know." Malcolm sighed. "God I can't help it Jon it nearly killed me out there today not being with you. Six hours together and we couldn't even look at each other."

"I know, it hurts me too. But we can't let our relationship be public you know that as well as I do."

"Yeah." Reed moved under Jon, an indication for him to get up and stop squashing him. They both sat up, the moment lost. "Can't risk you loosing your command."

Archer hugged Reed's shoulders. "It's not like that Malcolm. I want. I don't know what I want."

Reed turned and looked deep into Archers eyes before asking. "Do you want me?" Archer didn't hesitate in his reply he didn't need to. "I want you Malcolm, more than I've ever wanted anyone before. Ever."

Malcolm saw the sincerity in his eyes, Jon loved him as much as he loved Jon that much he was sure of. Archer smiled sweetly at Malcolm, he decided he'd start this conversation later, now was not the time for him to try and address his issues after all they were his issues, he'd sort them out later in his own mind. If he knew what the problem was it'd be easier to explain to Malcolm and to sort out later.

He shook his head slightly sensing the beginning of that rational state again, this would cause problems for him, he wanted Malcolm but. but what? He couldn't say what the problem was just he was going into rational overdrive.

He lay awake the chronometer on the wall said oh two hundred, he was happy with Malcolm that was the problem. He snorted into the darkness "How can me being happy with someone be a problem?" He sighed he was the captain, he wasn't supposed to be happy, he was supposed to be professional. He sighed and rolled over. If T'Pol could hear him now, she'd say he'd being "illogical in initiating the relationship with Mr Reed." He couldn't deny it, he'd put at risk everything he'd worked for all his life. Starfleet wouldn't demand they end their relationship, but they'd be watched any small sign that it was affecting Archer or Reed there'd be hell to pay.

"What are people gonna say when they find out?" Porthos whined in the corner Archer was keeping him up too. He wasn't afraid of peoples reaction to the same sex relationship those days of taboo were long gone but he knew what they'd say about Malcolm sleeping with the boss for his own personal gain. Did Archer give him the post of chief Armoury officer because of their relationship? He didn't want that not for Malcolm, he loved him too much to see people doubt his ability Malcolm was the best for the job the only one for the job.

He was reasoning things out again in his mind, trying to work out what was for the best. He wasn't sure he'd like the answer that came back. He rolled over and touched the spot where Malcolm had lain just a few hours earlier both deep in pillow talk now it was empty Malcolm having sneaked back to his quarters.

Archer bit his lip, he had to do something Enterprise was a small ship, something like this was bound to come out sooner or later and he had a deep feeling it would be sooner. A tear rolled down his cheek he made no effort to wipe it away he laid awake for a few more hours watching the stars go by.

He loved the stars he loved this ship he'd wanted nothing more all his life to sail amongst the stars it was his dream Enterprise was the reality suddenly it seemed suffocating. The stars rolled by endless and unexplored, casting bright moving lights on to the lightly sleeping captain the chronometer glowed oh four hundred he'd be up in a few hours.

Jon had stopped drinking beer, he couldn't trust himself anymore not to do something crazy like make a shipwide announcement telling everyone how much he loved lieutenant Malcolm Reed. Love was like a drug already and he could barely control it, the last thing he needed was to loosen some of that control he'd regret it.

Instead he'd taken up drinking coffee which sharpened his mind and kept him awake on the bridge, the downside was that if he drank too much in one day It made him erratic, the fantasies about Malcolm more real and his behaviour aroused some questions from T'pol.

"Captain may I speak with you." Archer's heart leapt in his chest had she guessed about him and Reed already? He tried to keep his face neutral as he ushered her into his ready room.

"What about T'pol" One thing Archer had leaned was if you thought someone knew something but had no hard evidence they knew you allowed them to say their piece first, because sometimes they knew nothing. He'd learnt that the hard way.

"Captain, I couldn't help but notice you seemed." She paused Archer assumed searching for the right word as Vulcan's didn't get nervous. "Agitated" She finished.

Archer laughed. "You're right T'pol I'm a bit agitated as you put it. Wanna know why?" She didn't reply and Archer continued. "I didn't sleep too good last night and this morning I had three cups of coffee, even though I know more than a cup at a time and I get like this."

T'pol nodded, "If the insomnia continues perhaps you should consider seeing Doctor Phlox for some medication. This has not been the first time I have noticed you to be distracted, I find that you have problems concentrating on specific tasks and I have on several occasions observed you day dreaming."

T'pol turned to leave, the door was open before Archer called her back. "Sub-commander" She turned to face him. "Sit down." He motioned to a chair, as he sat down opposite her. "I'd like to ask your advice on something. See I need a straight answer that doesn't have any feelings attached to it."

"I believe then I may be able to help" To Archer that was as good as a yes.

"Let's say you got yourself into a situation." He paused a few minutes shaping the question in his mind working out the right words to use, so she didn't guess what the situation was or with whom. "And let's say that situation meant that you could compromise everything you'd worked for and everything you'd built for yourself. But you want to be in this situation even though you know that the wider picture looks grim."

He paused again remembering another lesson he'd learnt that when asking for advise and you didn't want the other person to know the true situation you had to throw them off the trail slightly. Not too much to make the advise worthless but enough to stop any suspicions.

"Times change you tried convince yourself it wasn't worth it, the opportunity came for you to put a lot of distance between yourself and the situation you took it up." He said the last bit in such a way he was in no doubt T'pol thought the situation was back on earth. "But it hasn't worked, you don't want to hurt all the people involved they could lose a lot too, they'd be worse off than you." Another decoy T'pol would think there were more people involved rather than Archer and someone else.

"What would you do? Do it anyway and damn the consequences, or not. Either way we all get hurt? The final decoy it seemed as if it was an act he was contemplating, not a relationship.

T'pol seemed to spend a few minutes contemplating the facts as presented before her. "Captain, your duty first and foremost is to Enterprise. Any action that could put it at risk would be inadvisable and I believe this situation would put her and her crew at risk, if your command suffers any more than it has already.

Secondly Captain you have expressed the wish not to hurt those involved in this 'situation' however as you yourself stated that is impossible. I have found that emotional hurt will heal in time however, repercussions last. I believe the question you should ask yourself is which reaction on your part causes the least damage. Emotional scars heal better than a tarnished reputation Captain, though I am not aware of the full extent of your problems, would it be safe to assume that reputations would be at stake?"

Archer nodded, Starfleet would re-think putting him in command of another vessel if his relationship got in the way. It was difficult to see how it wouldn't part of Reed's job was to risk his life for the crew, and Jon wouldn't be able to let Malcolm do that. Malcolm would be known for sleeping to gain his position and people would doubt his skill and that was unfair to Malcolm. "For everyone involved we'd all have reputations to lose."

T'pol was silent for another moment, "Those involved, you have relationships of some sort together?"

"Yes, we're all great friends." He continued the faade of more than two people being involved.

"Consider captain, that many relationships break down no matter how strong, how many friends have you 'lost'? Consider also that if you were not somehow emotionally attached would any of you be willing to take the risk? Would the gains still outweigh the loss if you were all to lose your friendship?"

Archer had to admit she had a point, his track record with relationships weren't so good and from what he knew neither was Malcolm's. But who could say what would happen? Maybe Malcolm was that very special someone.

"If you find the gain outweighs the long term losses captain, through all eventualities then I would personally chose which path would upset as few as possible and act on it."

"Thank you you've being most helpful. I can trust in your discretion I hope"

She turned to leave, "You may."

Archer leaned back on one of the chairs, T'pol was right about everything he'd felt like this before, so in love he'd have jumped out of an airlock for his love. Those relationships ended what if he risked it all for Malcolm and he turned out not to be the one.

Then again he'd never cried or agonised over a relationship before. If it was getting in the way of his career he'd end it no questions asked, why should Malcolm be any different?

Who was he to say that the relationship wouldn't work out? If people saw how good Malcolm was at his job and they knew the facts of the relationship, who knows they might not even discriminate against Malcolm. If he could pull it off and be impartial Starfleet would have no grounds to refuse him command, he'd to just have to go the extra mile to make him the best hurt himself a bit sometimes by risking Malcolm.

Archer didn't leave the ready room till after eighteen hundred hours he was expecting Malcolm at nineteen hundred hours. This was the best time, most people were just starting new shifts and in that case were at their posts and not moving around as much as they would in the middle of a shift.

The rest were relaxing after just finishing a shift or enjoying some much needed recreation. He didn't prepare a meal, as he usually did, he didn't dim the lights or play gentle music. Instead he sat upright in a chair contemplating what he was about to do.

He'd come to a decision at long last, he knew what needed doing. He loved Malcolm to pieces, he could safely admit to himself that he'd never felt like this about any one before. He couldn't change other people and what they would make of their relationship and he couldn't do anything about the backlash that would follow. He might lose everything if it was decided that his starting the relationship was inappropriate, he as the commanding officer should have had more self-control, but he was good at his job and Starfleet was young and needed all the good people it could get.

What he was about to do despite himself was the one thing that would make him happy in the long run. The door chimed and Archer went to open it.

"What happened to your access code?" Reed looked puzzled.

"I changed it." Archer's voice was flat and had no emotion to it.

"Oh" Reed looked about him, there wasn't the usual smell of cooking in the air the soft guitar music was missing and Archer was standing watching the stars go by. "What's wrong?"

Archer turned to face Reed. "What's wrong is I'm head over heels in love with you." His voice was flat again.

"I don't understand"

Archer heard the uncertainty in Reed's voice. He moved away from the stars, they didn't give answers to his questions and they didn't assure him what he was about to do was the right thing he was in uncharted space and uncharted waters. He took the chair opposite Malcolm.

"What I mean is, I told you yesterday I didn't know what I wanted. It's not true anymore. I love you and I want to be with you. I want everyone to know about us and what we mean to each other, I want to live with you, I want to work with you, above all I want to be with you."

Reed felt his eyes sting with tears, he blinked them back. No one had ever said anything that beautiful to him no one had ever loved him that much. Still he felt there was something else. "I."

"Let me finish. please I need to get this all out. But I can't have what I want. I can't be with you not when I'm your commanding officer, not while we serve on the same ship. I know how harsh Starfleet can be when you break the rules and me being in a relationship is an unwritten rule set in stone.

The Anderson case all but proved what an ass Starfleet can be about fraternisation. They can't do much to me Malcolm put me behind a desk somewhere away from all the action that's all. But I love you too much."

He stopped and sniffed blinking away tears. "I love you too much to, let them hurt you. People will doubt you, say and do things that will hurt. What happens if we break up? Love doesn't conquer all Malcolm the odds are stacked against us. I don't want to hurt you." He stopped the tears running freely. He held on to the thought that with Malcolm's happiness came his happiness. This saved him the humiliation Starfleet could give out, this would make them both happy. In time.

"You've already hurt me." Hot tears landing in large drops on his cheeks.

"You'll get over me. Find someone else." A sob escaped as Archer thought of Malcolm with someone else.

"Not like you Jon, never like you." Malcolm walked over to Archer and knelt in front of him reaching over and touching his cheeks sleek with tears.

"There'll be others, Don't put everything you've worked for at risk for me please Malcolm don't" Archer held Reed's hand in his still touching his cheek wanting, needing that closeness.

"Wh-" he sobbed "Why not? I love you I'll do anything to be with you. I'll leave Starfleet, anything"

"No. no. I won't ask you. I won't let you give up everything for me. Starfleet's your life. That and your guns." They smiled at the weak attempt at a joke. "You've worked too hard. I've worked to hard."

Malcolm pulled his hand away from Archers and jerked himself away suddenly, without his touch Archer felt alone.

"I should have guessed that this wasn't about me, It's about you not wanting to lose everything lose command of this ship, lose your good name and reputation in Starfleet."

"It's not like that." Archer stood up and walked over to him placing his hands on Reed's shoulders. "It's not worth loosing everything, for both of us."

Reed's shoulders shook and his body tensed. "This" he motioned about him. "All this, the ship it's nothing. It's going to fade away and one-day people will have only a memory. Your name will be in all the history books but what will it matter when your sitting alone watching the stars longing to be back there thinking about a long decommissioned ship, an old man everyone knows of, with no one beside him no one to love him?"

Reed brushed Archers arms away and moved to the door. Feeling for the chair, Archer sat down again the slight thud of the door behind Malcolm adding closure, he'd done it. He'd put an end to the best thing in his life for the sake of everything he had so far.

It'd been for the best, this wasn't just about Malcolm or himself this was about the lives of the hundreds of people who looked up to him to keep them safe in what Trip once called 'A wonderful tin can'. This was about the billions back on earth relying on him to make the right decisions to make sure this mission was successful, this was about earning humans their independence from the stranglehold the Vulcan's had on them this was bigger than he was.

Without Malcolm's presence the room felt empty, his heart felt empty, his life was empty he suddenly felt claustrophobic not of the room but of the ship, of Starfleet of his life.

"Why didn't you ask me?" Archer was facing Reed again, the ready room seemed larger to him now, too large it stopped him from feeling close to Malcolm stopped him feeling his presence.

"With all due respect sir I thought it wise to ask commander T'pol due to." He paused for a while. "Recent events."

"Malcolm, come on this hurts me too. I just wanna know you don't hate me so much you won't even talk to me about work on a professional level."

"Would it matter if I did?" His voice was bitter, Archer noticed that not once had Reed looked him in the eye.

"Damn it Malcolm, yes. Yes it would matter 'cause I know you're not like that. I know you keep work just about work and everything else doesn't factor into it."

"I used to keep work just work." Another pause "Captain."

Archer knew that had being intended as a blow, and it found it's target and hit well Archer found himself taking shallow breath as though he'd being hit with a physical blow.

"Please Malcolm, I don't trust myself enough to be friends but can we please be colleagues that get along on a professional level?"

"If that's what you want." His voice was flat and toneless holding no emotion.

"Do I have permission to accompany Commander Reed and ensign Mayweather to the surface captain? The time to think alone would be much appreciated."

"Yes I guess so. What's the risk factor these Aliens they're not hostile are they?"

"Why do you care? I would have thought a few more run ins with hostile life forms would be right up your street, after all they bring commendations from Starfleet and a place in history do they not?

Archer closed his eyes trying to keep calm, he couldn't place why but suddenly he felt angry not because of what Reed said he knew he'd be the same in his shoes, but because he loved him so much.

It made him angry this whole situation that they were in made him hate everything, he needed to hurt someone in return and in front of him stood the perfect target. Part of the problem and in his own mind he felt if he could hurt Reed enough, so he hated Archer it would somehow make Reed hurt less about the break up and ease some of Archer's own pain.

"I care because I'm risking members of my crew. I'm not asking you as an ex- lover because that's all you were lieutenant, a lover, and a passing fling. I'm asking you as my security officer who's job it is to keep this crew from harm in case he'd been misled about that as well as his status in my life."

Malcolm swallowed visibly, his body tensed again and his jaw formed a tight line. Archer couldn't stop not now, he had to make Reed hate him make him wonder what he ever saw in Archer, be grateful things ended when thy did before he got in too deep. "Stand to attention lieutenant. Remember this Mr Reed you'd be best to put this entire episode of your life to one side because it meant nothing to me and if it meant something to you then you were a fool."

Archer's eyes stung with tears and he dared not blink in case they spilled over. "Dismissed lieutenant."

Reed walked out his shoulders high and his chin up, Archer knew he was hurt he always did that when he was hurt he would never let you see it though you had to know he corrected himself to have known him well to understand his body language.

Archer examined himself in the mirror of his quarters, his eyes were large a sure sign he was tired and hadn't had a decent night's sleep. The colour seemed to have lightened a shade or two to his eyes and the rims of red with the bloodshot's didn't help.

He tilted his head back and squeezed the little tube of liquid into each eye. That should take away the redness but he still looked like a rabbit staring wide-eyed with fear at the lights of an approaching car.

His face seemed to have sunk somewhat and his sockets were becoming hollow, T'pol would notice soon that he was loosing weight and that his skin seemed to always have a sickly pale tint. "Damn her and her Vulcan intuition" He spoke out loud. His lips were thinner now and they seemed dry he reached for the lip salve on his dresser that should do the trick for a while.

He decided to treat himself to a facial while he was at it try to lift the sickly look from his skin. The team had been gone now for twelve hours, from what they'd seen so far the locals were friendly. The real reason for the visit to meet a trader willing to negotiate for star charts of a nebula Enterprise would be visiting on her next mission from space dock was going well and it seemed reasonably certain that they would receive the charts.

The system so far had so far not being explored by the Vulcan's and Starfleet was keen to start some exploration of 'real' uncharted territories rather than re-tracing the routes of long trodden Vulcan paths.

The facial over he looked at himself in the mirror once again, eyes still wide but people wouldn't think that was too odd. The bloodshot veins and the red rims from lack of sleep had gone so had the puffiness the drops did the trick. His skin looked healthier even if a little pale still. He sat wondering what to do about the dark circles that had formed under his eyes, he took the bag of toiletries from a drawer thankful to God that the days of taboo over men wearing makeup were gone.

Though he and most other people of this time period preferred not to wear any, it made him feel somehow fake and less real right now he wanted to be less real. The circles gone he looked presentable to the bridge he looked like a competent captain who hadn't broken the one great un-written protocol or turned away his greatest love.

He needed some closure to this on T'pol's side, after his shift he called her to his ready room. His heart leapt slightly as he remembered the last time he'd being in here with Malcolm, he avoided sitting in the same chair he had then. "I just wanted to say thank you."

"What for Captain?"

He knew she knew what for, it was just T'pol's way of starting conversations, she was curious about what he'd decided. She wasn't going to admit it and wouldn't brood over it if she didn't get the finer details but Archer needed her to know that he'd be fine now or for her to think so anyway, it'd take some of the heat off him for a while.

"The advice you gave me a couple of weeks ago, it really helped me and I wanted you to know what I've decided. We all have something to lose by doing what were going to, I had the least to lose. Like you said people change friendships move on, when I weighed it up the gain wasn't worth the loss most of the time. Sure it'll hurt a lot of people at home but." He wasn't lying now, he'd come to consider Enterprise to be his home. "They'll get over it, move on to do other things we all had too much to lose. I wanted to thank you for making me realise that."

"I understand it has not being an easy decision for you to make. I have noticed over the last three weeks you have being distracted and distant, you have not introduced humour to the bridge. However you seem to be coming to terms with what had happened, acceptance Captain of ones position is crucial."

"Hmm wise words T'pol. Don't worry about me I've come a long way, I'd thought of backtracking and doing it anyway because I couldn't face what was happening now how I felt. Then I realised I was being selfish nothing particularly awful could happen to me but to the others their lives would never be the same again. It's not worth it."

Eighteen hours into their mission and the team had reported they were heading to sleep for the night. They'd secured the deal the star charts were theirs all they had to do was finalise when the three moons of the day were at the highest and the two moons of the night were at their lowest a native custom, they'd be back in less than twelve hours.

Archer had decided to forget about it all, when Reed came back, they were going to have a talk about all of what'd happened he'd explain to Reed that he still loved him it's just nothing could happen not whilst they were both on the same ship. He'd tell him about the Andrews case he'd been at the final hearing for her.

She was an ensign in one of the new science stations, she'd had the misfortune of falling in love with her commanding officer. They'd both started the relationship and were non too discreet, when Starfleet command found out they monitored how things were coming along. She was posted back to earth, Starfleet were looking for the sacrificial lamb and they found it in them, it needed to set an example even if they could pull it off other wouldn't be able to.

There was and could never be a rule on fraternisation amongst staff however it was well known in senior ranks that you crossed that line at your peril especially if you were an officer. He requested to be posted back to earth and Starfleet gave him a desk job reading about the discoveries that were being made back in space.

She was court-martialled for answering back to her commanding officer and therefor undermining his command, further more she had expressed her feelings to other members of the crew which could be seen as an attempt to rally support for a mutiny. She was found guilty and thrown out in disgrace for the words, "Yeah whatever." The relationship didn't last he longed to be back at the forefront of science and she wanted to forget Starfleet.

No one is willing to employ you after being expelled from Starfleet, it had too much of a reputation to be doing good for the world at large, if you were disrupting the work of this great organisation that would free the shackles of the Vulcan's then you deserved unemployment.

He couldn't see that happen to Malcolm not now, not ever. Malcolm would understand and he'll wait for a time when they could both be together they could get along now just fine as a little more than friends but not quite lovers.

The team were due back in three hours, Reed had made the report himself. The moons would align in half an hour the other two and a half hours involved getting the shuttle ready for take off. Afterwards Jon had spoken to him making sure they were both alone.

"I need to talk to you when you get back ASAP." He tried to keep the conversation professional sounding sometimes communicators picked up conversations from other communicators.

"Oh, wonderful what insults do I have to bear on my back this time?" Reed's voice was dry.

"Where's Trip and Mayweather?"

"Oh don't worry not close enough to hear if the channel isn't completely secure." He had that hint of sarcasm making the words sound as though Jon need not worry about their dirty secrete.

"Good, I want to apologise but I want to do it face to face."

"Say what you have to say now it hurts when I have to look at you."

"No it's too much now."

"Summarise it." He was insistent.

"Fine. I love you and I miss you what I said in the ready room were lies it meant more to me than anything ever has before. I want us to be friends but more than that good friends and when the time comes we can pick up where we left off." Archer stopped there was silence from the other end.

"Malcolm. Malcolm you there?"

"Don't worry captain, you don't need to make the fake apology. This means more to you of course it does you're risking your dream your reputation everything here. More than friends" He laughed horse. "I have to go now see you when I get back, it's my time to do the hurting 'cause I've being thinking long and hard I have a few things to say." The silence filled his ready room as Reed signed off.

Archer lay in bed, he'd just have to live with it deal with it get over it. That was the way he'd always worked before that was how he'd work now. Learning to live with something made it that much easier to deal with dealing meant moving on. This was just going to be a tough challenge.

About an hour later the call came through the speaker he was needed on the bridge. "On my way." He moved groaning off the bed, he must be more tired than he'd thought his whole body ached when he moved.

The stiffness faded by the time he'd walked to the bridge. The look on the crew's face showed something there was fear in Hoshie's eyes and the ensign at the helm seemed to be shaking slightly. "Captain?" T'pol motioned towards the ready room.

Archer hesitated he was beginning to hate that room it seemed to hail nothing but bad news and arguments. He sat down hoping he didn't look as he felt. "I felt it best we should speak in private. Commander Tucker and the team were attacked whilst preparing to leave the planet, it seems another group that were after the charts did not take to kindly to loosing them."

Archer felt his heart jump, his whole body tensed and he knew T'pol had noticed. "How are they?" His voice was surpassingly calm and even. He didn't know if he could handle this kind of pressure right now, attacks, loosing the charts Starfleet would be asking questions, it never rains but it pours.

"Lieutenant Reed has been seriously wounded."

Archer stayed frozen nothing gave away what he was thinking. Until that moment he'd considered it a gift, when he was under the most pressure at his limits his mind did the opposite of others it went into efficiency overdrive and forgot about feelings. This time it was different he wanted to show his feelings to shout to scream to do anything except what he knew he was about to do. "Has sickbay being briefed for the emergency?" Take control of the situation.

"Doctor Phlox is preparing now." She was slightly taken aback by his reaction, she had expected some sort of emotional outburst a barrage of questions, that when answered did nothing to solve the problem.

"Good, and the other's how are they?" A part of him tried for the first time to fight the efficiency. He'd always welcomed it waiting for the time when he was under the most pressure knowing he could handle the situation, now he didn't want to handle anything just disappear but he couldn't he wouldn't let himself.

"Minor injuries, Mr Tucker has a cut to his head and ensign Mayweather a sprained wrist."

"Hmm we can't spare the medical team, dig up someone from the crew with enough medical experience to deal with them." His mind was screaming at him to stop to feel something, it was his fault that Reed was down there fighting for his life he'd pushed him away. But what he wanted to do and what he did were two different things.

A member of another Crew he was commanding had told him once. 'Sir I was so angry I knew I shouldn't have done it as I was doing it I was telling myself to stop. It got the better of me you can be so angry you ignore yourself and all that's in you is the Anger.' It felt like that now he felt guilty instead of punching his superior he was going to be rational when this called for irrationality.

"I'll see to it." He walked to the door T'pol following behind him. He stood in front of his chair and cleared his throat. He had the attention of the crew, he noticed T'pol leaving. "Sub-commander wait I have something else to discuss with you after this."

She paused, watching surprised at the efficiency he had. 'Starfleet chose their captain well.' She knew he had problems but they were cast aside now and she admired him for that.

"Listen guys. I want this kept under wraps for now, till we know for certain how things are gonna go. We don't want to spread panic around the ship. What we all need to do now is concentrate on getting our team back and patching them up. Understood." Everyone nodded and there were slight murmurs. He joined T'pol at the door. "How long till they arrive?"

"Twenty three minutes."

"That doesn't give us much time, we need to keep this quiet I know people."

"I'm sure the crew will obey your orders captain."

"I know those ones in there they will, but what happens when the shuttle lands? People are going to see it's gonna spread like wild fire."

She nodded understanding his concern, the crew could be most illogical in their reaction. It was best to wait till there were some facts and a fairly certain prognosis before letting the crew know.

"Perhaps we should clear the docking bay of all personnel?"

"No, it'd be too suspicious. What we need to do is something that would seem normal even if slightly unexpected."

The first cracks were begging to show his mind wandered back to the first time he knew how Malcolm had felt to the words 'what for the feeling's mutual. It echoed about him ringing in his ears the lift was stuck no one could repair it for a few hours the first time they'd made love right there.

The part of his mind still bent on making this through by doing everything it should be doing pulled him back to the present, he realised he'd stopped walking and T'pol was standing besides him looking at him. "Captain?"

"Sorry I was just thinking." She would be curious what he was thinking about, he couldn't crack not now not here then it occurred to him. "I may have solved our problem. We make a shipwide announcement that there seems to be a problem in the docking bay we'll be running a full diagnostic program which means that the lifts from docking bay three to deck six are off limits to all but authorised personnel."

"I'll see that a few engineering officers are stationed around the area working." She paused "Captain what happens when the officers find that there is no problem?"

"Er" He stopped again trying to hold back the thoughts about Malcolm he was cracking and he knew it. "Mistake on our part terribly sorry to have dragged you away from your posts."

She nodded and they parted company, each setting out to manage their side of the plan. Archer shook his head and remembered Malcolm was hurt this was the best way to help him, he'd get better but the sooner he got the help he needed the better for him.

The shuttle pod docked earlier than expected Mayweather had pushed it to its limits. Archer didn't get to see Reed, he'd thought better of it. Seeing his love in any state that was injured was more than he could bear he knew he'd throw himself at Malcolm the consequences be damned. He told T'pol that it was best the captain behaved normally. The ensign who'd being at the helm in place of Mayweather was sent to pilot the shuttle a safe distance from the ship so when the staff were let back into the docking bay no one noticed the sudden appearance of a shuttle.

As far as most of the crew were concerned it had being an unusual day the sensor malfunction that had led to a section of the ship being closed off had been sorted. They were now all enjoying the evening meal talking about the latest news on earth did you know admiral Phillips had retired? Apparently-

When the captain walked into the mess hall from his private dining room no one thought much of it. Perhaps he was off somewhere and it would be easier to cut across the hall than use his private entrance to the dinning room which meant he'd have to walk around the ship.

When he stood before them and cleared his throat everyone gave him the courtesy of listening half heartedly eager to get back to the reasons for the admiral's early retirement.

"What I have to say is going to come as a bit of a shock to most of you, and I thought it best to say this with as many of us as I could in the same room, this was the best time to do it. Those who're hearing this on the ships intercom system if you have permission you may leave you posts and come down when I've finished."

Everyone gave him their full attention now and noticed for the first time the lack of emotion to his face, he would have made any Vulcan proud, the stillness of his body the only part of him moving his mouth.

"This afternoon we had a bit of a shock ourselves." They now noticed T'pol standing beside him where was commander Tucker? Wasn't the team sent down supposed to be back yet? Yes hours ago?

"We got a message from the planet the team we sent down had being attacked." The silence was so strong it was overwhelming it was too loud, how can silence ever be loud? Just one of the questions he didn't know how to answer. "They were injured, we didn't want to cause a panic or upset you all so we faked the sensor glitch."

He needed to take a deep breath but his body wouldn't let him. The part of him that wanted to lose control relaxed, his ability to remain calm he supposed was part of what had got him this far for all the good it had done him.

"Lieutenant Malcolm Reed was the worst of them all, he jumped up to push ensign Mayweather down to dodge an energy blast, instead the blast hit him. We rushed him to sickbay and Doctor Phlox has being operating on him for the last four hours."

He paused. The air was buzzing with questions and feelings no one was saying anything but he could tell he could feel their anticipation. "The doctor informed me a few minutes ago that despite his and the medical teams' best efforts lieutenant Malcolm Reed died."

The room buzzed with horror, "Died" he couldn't be dead I spoke to him just the other day. Malcolm he was so fit no way. Archer turned to leave and a voice shouted from the crowd. "What about the other's?"

"Minor injuries, they should be fine physically." He hurried before any more questions could be asked he needed to be alone right now just one more thing to sort out before he allowed himself his breakdown. T'pol looked down at the meal the captain had mainly consumed.

"Might I ask a question?" she was almost tentative.

"Only if I can ask on back."

She nodded. "You may. When met with grief or difficult circumstances most humans feel unable to consume food, you seem to have a strong appetite."

"That's not a question T'pol it's a statement." He shook his head, at himself he was doing this now because there was nothing left to do. Whilst he broke down in private he would begin to pick apart the tiniest details in public, criticise analyse every detail, complain about not enough detail. All that could wait right now he wanted to deal with this and get away from everyone.

"Sorry, if you want to know the truth T'pol I have a problem. You wouldn't consider it a problem but a rare gift when I'm in a crisis and I mean something earth shattering like this I become efficient and rational. I know what I have to do and I do it. So today I force myself to eat there's no point me being sick is there?"

"A logical approach."

"I thought you might say that. Now my question and this is a question not a statement." He'd done it again. "How do you feel about Reed's death?"

"Whilst it is regretful that we should lose a member of the crew I do not 'feel' anything captain."

"Nothing?"

"Mr Reed's death is unfortunate all death is however there is nothing that can be done."

"Good, because I want you to do something, I couldn't handle it not right now anyway. I want you to arrange the open casket for me."

"I am not familiar with human burial processes captain."

"It's simple find a coffin, we do have some in storage bay ten that's where all the things that might upset the crew are kept. Next about a day before the funeral arrange to have Malcolm's body." His stomach lurched at the word but it didn't show. "Placed in the coffin make sure he's dressed nice, I'll help you with that, arrange some flowers and open the room up so people can come and say their goodbyes."

"I'll do some further research. Malcolm's family needs to be notified."

"I know, and we need to chase his will up. We don't know how he preferred to be buried. Who holds the wills anyway?"

"I believe it to be doctor Phlox."

"We'll see him first thing in the morning, I don't think the crew's going to be up to work go easy on them."

She left and he made his way down his private passage to his quarters the door opened and closed behind him. He waited a few seconds before he felt it, the release he fell to his knees doubled over in pain as sob after sob engulfed his body. There was a price to pay for being calm it hurt physically when he let it all go it felt like he'd being punched in the stomach all the air knocked out of him. Even the tears hurt to cry, he'd killed Malcolm as good as fired that weapon himself.

Everyone of the crew admired how well the captain was copping to loosing a member of his crew. He didn't insist that everything carry on as normal, but he didn't let work stop. He'd made another ship wide announcement, he told every member of the crew everyone was to carry on, report to their posts as usual and do the usual things, the routine would do them good.

He himself led the way, he turned up on the bridge on time, ate on time and in public kept a plain face. Everyone knew he was hurting, there were no jokes and his walked slightly slower now but seeing the captain bearing up so well gave them all a model to look up to life had to go on no matter what. Exactly what Jonathon had wanted.

Privately he cried, on his personal computer ready to be sent to Starfleet command when Enterprise turned back to for earth was his resignation.

Fifteen hundred hours and he was back in his ready room, Doctor Phlox entered two minutes late, Archer fought the urge to talk to him about the importance of being on time. Instead he set his jaw tight and stared at the doctor as he sat down.

"Mr Reed updated his will just over a month ago, he did so regularly he said in his line of work you never know what might happen. I won't bore you with all the details only those that concern the crew. Mr Reed would like for Captain Archer to arrange the funeral, he would like also for him to be responsible for clearing his possessions. He would also like the captain to be the one to inform his parents of his death, he also requested that if atoll possible that a video link should be made to his parents home on earth.

"That's all." Archer trusted himself with a nod, he couldn't speak not now at least, he would respect Malcolm's wishes it was the only thing he could do to make up for failing him hurting him and playing the biggest part in his death.

"There were no references made referring to his choice of burial?" T'pol spoke seeing the captain was thinking hard.

"Ahh." He looked through some files. "Cremation."

Archer took in a deep breath, cremation was so final it ended everything right there and then. There would be nothing that looked like Malcolm, just ashes that you couldn't tell if they were human without using a sensor.

".Given to the captain. Mr Reed said he knew why." The doctor had continued speaking Archer brought himself back to the room. The doctor was leaving and T'pol looked at the captain.

"I was not aware that you and Mr Reed were so close."

"huh? We were becoming great friends. I don't know he wasn't shy around me I got to see the real Malcolm he said himself I was the closest thing he had to family. God I miss him T'pol I really miss him."

"That is understandable, Mr Reed considered you a special friend he must have done to have wanted you to keep his ashes." Archer stared slightly wide-eyed he wasn't listening to the doctor when he'd said that. He walked to his quarters and prayed he wouldn't cry before he reached them.

Three days after the funeral and Trip could still remember the words Archer had said. He'd being standing over the coffin waiting for the crew to arrive in the formal hall that doubled as a chapel for special occasions.

Trip had being coming to say his goodbyes to Malcolm to thank him for saving his life and to reassure him he'd tell Archer the message as soon as the funeral was over. He saw Archer's hand reach out and touch Malcolm's cheeks and heard a slight sob from Archer.

"You're so cold now. Not like before when you used to cuddle up to me you used to be so warm." There was a long silence. "I'm sorry, for everything you know how much I loved you, you must have, to trust me to do this for you. I just hope you didn't hate me towards the end.

I can't face it anymore without you, everything that's happened it's made me realise it's not worth it not anymore not without you I killed you. It is but a tomb that hides your life." He started to sob as he spoke. "And shows not half your parts. If I could write the beauty of your eyes. And in fresh numbers number all your graces The age to come would say 'this poet lies' For such heavenly beauty never touched such earthly faces."

Trip walked away, he'd say goodbye later, and he'd speak to Jon after the funeral like he'd promised Malcolm tell him what Malcolm had said.

* * *

"Jesus I loved him Trip. There's no point denying it I loved. love Malcolm Reed." There he'd said it to another person to his best friend. "I don't know why I bother lying anymore, I should just tell people the truth."

"Wouldn't do any good." Trip was sitting at the table.

"How can it not do any good? He's dead. He went down there to get away from me for a couple of days. He didn't have to go you know he wanted to volunteered to think he said."

Trip had never seen Jon like this before he could tell he'd lost a lot of weight, the uniform hid how much. He was eating he knew what Jon was like he'd do everything to keep himself normal on the outside. His hair was dull and needed to be trimmed his eyes had lost their colour and didn't sparkle anymore his skin was pale.

He'd seen Jon through some of his toughest moments and Jon had helped him through his stopped Trip contemplating suicide and got him back on track, he owed everything he had to Jon. He needed to tell Jon soon, today he was looking for the right time it was Malcolm's dying wish.

"You don't know how much I loved him Trip."

"I think I do. I saw you at the chapel before the burial." Archer nodded Trip knew how he felt he'd said how he felt better at the chapel than anywhere else

"I'm resigning from Starfleet once we return to earth, I've written the lett-"

"Now hold on Jon. I know you loved him more than I've known you to love anyone else but this is your dream you've wanted this since you were a kid to do what your dad couldn't. How can you give it up?"

"I gave up Malcolm for this ship, I just want to be away from it all." Archer looked tired, he seemed ten years older than when Trip had last seen him. "Dammit I just want to have Malcolm back, I want him to know how I felt how I feel now. I wish it was me that was dead Trip I really do, maybe I wouldn't hurt so much. This ship Starfleet, it's always going to remind me of Malcolm it's just losing him seems too big a price to pay for a dream Trip."

"It's not what Malcolm wanted."

"You don't know that." He'd raised his voice slightly. "Malcolm was right when you're old and people forget you it doesn't matter anymore what you did just who's there now the memories I want Malcolm to be there I wanna be away from it all."

"I know for sure it's not what Malcolm wanted. When we were on our way back up he knew he wouldn't make it he asked me to. to tell you something." He stopped thinking about what he was about to do.

"He asked me to tell you after the funeral he loved you, keep going I know what makes him happy it's the stars." Trip stopped taking in a deep breath. "If he's happy he said I'll be happy. He said you'll move on just don't give up. You're forgiven. He said he'd always love you." He'd done it told Jon. Archer didn't speak for a few minutes.

"He said that?"

"Yes Mayweather heard him asking to talk to me, Malcolm didn't want him to hear the whole conversation."

"I'd like to be on my own for a few minutes."

"Yeah" Trip found his throat a little dry. "Me too."

As the door closed behind him he took a deep breath and sighed. "What have you done Tucker?." He shook his head Jon would have done the same for him. But he couldn't destroy his best friend who'd saved him more than once, and in so many different ways.

Jon had done so much for him more than he could ever repay him back for of curse it was Reed's dying wish but this was the one time he could help Archer to give him back something to save him. What else could he do but lie tell Archer the real conversation?

"Tell Captain Archer." Reed's voice was full of scorn. "That I did as he instructed kept the crew safe and it did a hell of a lot of good didn't it? It's a shame I didn't change my will in time for this mission, Tell him" His voice was becoming thinner. "Tell him to hell with his precious Starfleet, I loved him and he kicked me in the gutter."

He couldn't tell Jon that, maybe one-day he would. He sighed walking away. The needs of the living out way the needs of the dead.


End file.
